Flinging Mud

Mark Twain said, "When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear." I was just sitting here thinking about those first 48 hours after Evangeline was diagnosed with SB. By Twain's definition I must have been very,very angry (with a little nutty thrown in for good measure). For those two days I plotted insanity that, thankfully, I never went full-on loony enough to actually do. But looking back on it now it makes me laugh (and cringe) to think that I could be so...self-focused...even for a little while. Remembering those two days reminds me of how easy it is to loose focus of your own blessings.

The whole drive home from Baptist Hospital in Downtown Jacksonville, after we received the diagnosis, I sat quietly in the car staring out the window. As I watched the streets go past me, I pictured those same streets at night and all the, ahem, "ladies of the evening" who would emerge to take up their corners and ply their trade after dark. The thought hit me like a hot punch to my already rattled brain- I saw a vision of the future of those streets: Those women who prowl downtown would have unprotected sex, become pregnant, use drugs, and yet somehow give birth to perfectly healthy babies they would then unceremoniously deposit into the nearest dumpster. These dark thoughts of mine were aided by the fact that for many years I have worked with troubled youth, some of them the offspring of prostitutes who didn't want them. Perfect little kids that grew into teenagers full of life and personality- just thrown out! And in my half-functional, yet deeply emotional brain, I decided right then that those women, too stupid to know the gift they had been given, should be educated. Yes. Educated with mud balls.

The stinkiest mud in all creation can be found at low tide on the banks of the St. Johns River. The whole ride home I plotted my muddy mayhem. I would get two large 5 gallon buckets and fill them with the most putrid mud I could find. Then I would come back under the cover of night and fling mud at these women, knowing that the stink of decaying sea life would smell to them like my "situation" and their actions smelled to me- rotten!

I didn't want my baby to have to struggle just to seem "normal". I didn't want her spending her whole life trying to "keep up/blend in with the herd of her peers.". It seems so crazy to me now, but for two days straight I alternated crying and plotting muddy revenge on hookers because they did everything "wrong" and here I had taken my folic acid and done my best and MY baby would have to fight battles theirs never would.

Thankfully, on the third day, the fog-of-stupid that had settled over my usually logical brain lifted. I began to get a grasp of the fact that crack hores were not my problem. My problem was wanting something for Evangeline: coveting what I perceived others had and desiring to punish them because they had it and she could not. Those thoughts were juvenile. They lacked insight and compassion. They were base. And more, they were baseless. Every child in this world has struggles. Evangeline will be no exception. True she may never blend into a large crowd. But why should I want that for her? Why should I want to settle for ordinary when she was designed to be extra-ordinary? This was my big epiphany on the third day after diagnosis. Well, that and realizing that what Evangeline would have, what I could give her- love and support in abundance- was something those other children lacked, the absence of which, would create a pain that she would never have to know. This whole world is full of rotten problems-stinker even that mud from the St. Johns. None of us get to pick our problems, but we ALL get to pick how we will respond to them. I can teach her that too.

So, as I sit here 7 weeks later (and hopefully wiser) thinking on the life and future my daughter will have, I no longer see a tragedy. Or even a drama. The story of her life will defy any genre classification but will be beautiful- just like her!

Since my last update, I have already received many blessings and bits of good news. We got her amnio results back showing NO chromosomal problems- THANK GOD!!!! We have an MRI scheduled and an apt set up with her surgeon, Dr. James, for later in June which will give us better understanding of what she will need. I am finally being referred to the OB who will perform my c-section so that's another bit of good news. Things are falling into place for my precious one. We go for another apt to the MFM specialist (that's maternal and fetal medicine) on Friday and I am hoping for a 3-D image of her face if she'll cooperate.

So things are good. I am blessed with a beautiful daughter I have fallen in love with. I have a wonderful hubby and awesome family who supports us both (thanks guys!). These are things I must focus on. Does this mean that at times in my journey, my vision will not slip off of my blessings and onto things I WISH were my blessings? Well, it probably will- such is the price of humanity. But hopefully, once again, I will be able to redirect myself before the mud goes flying and I make my world (and the world of others) stinker than it already is.

"See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people. Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" I Thess. 5:15-18