Partners

So, this post isn't about Spina Bifida. Or doctor's appointments or anything as boring as that.  My life, my baby's life, my family's life is more than a diagnosis. Although, I will be the first to admit that with all the weekly appointments and such its easy to get caught up in all the "tasks" that accompany being a new mom of a lovely little girl with an as-yet-to-be-determined set of special needs.

I spend a lot of time thinking about being a mom to her. A lot of time trying (somewhat pointlessly) to anticipate what she will need so that I can make sure to provide it.  A lot of time being confused and asking questions on forums. Add to that a LOT of time working at a job that requires calming, counseling and otherwise dealing with families in crisis......and by the end of each day I have an exhausted body and noticeably fewer functional brain cells.

Yet somehow when I snuggle into bed beside my hubby, my eyes fall asleep easily and my soul is at peace. I am able to wake up and do it all again the next day.  I know what makes this possible. Its the simple fact that I'm not alone. Psychology has a lot to say about the negative effects of feeling like you have nobody to turn to. After all, there are reasons long periods of solitary confinement are considered "cruel and unusual punishment". There are lots of fancy ways to try and say what I'm saying but John Lenin said it best: "A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is a reality."

 I don't dream about the future alone. I don't imagine my daughter's smile and play and giggles all by myself. No. I have a wonderful life partner who dreams these things with me. These days he walks a little slower so I can keep up when I waddle beside him. He lets my concerns become his concerns. We dream together lovely little dreams that we trust God to help us bring to pass. It is the fact that I trust my life partner to make that dream with me... to help me stitch it together one little moment at a time, that allows me to sleep a little deeper, to laugh a little longer, to go a little further

Sure, my baby bump may come between us now a bit when we try to hug or snuggle, but in other ways this combining of our DNA has drawn us closer as a family. Given us a higher direction. Better defined goals. Increased determination.  And in the end, my relationship with my spouse is the greatest thing I can give Evangeline. Together Bj and I can demonstrate to her what she should expect from her future husband. We can tell her with our words and actions how to have a disagreement and still fight fair. We can show her that relationships aren't always easy but that everything truly extraordinary in life takes a little work to make it the way you want. I want her to see how we always make time for our date nights. And how we do little things to show love to one another in the love language our partner best receives.

For nearly 6 years now, BJ and I have been working on our relationship and I am thankful for it. Deeply thankful. Thankful  for the unpleasant late night conversations that we put in about some disagreement or other. Grateful for each time we held our tongue when we'd rather let fly. Pleased that we each spoke up to be heard even when  we were afraid of the other's response.  Most of all, I'm very gratified that we kept doing these things. Each. And. Every. Time.

For now I can say that I truly have a life partner who knows me, loves me, and gives his best to make my life better. I hope he knows the reciprocal is true.  It is out of this foundation that Evangeline will grow. It is from these seeds our family is born. Now as this next phase of our life unfolds, I must remember to strive to maintain what we started and have been carefully building.  I must remember that there are things, goals, purposes, and dreams that have nothing at all to do with SB, appointments, doctors, plans or worries. I must remember where all this started: With one guy and one girl who thought they were in love- only to find out that what they felt was just the tip of the iceberg.

“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.  For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:19-20