Balance

I've never been particularly graceful. Some might call me clumsy- and they'd be well within their rights to do so. I have been known to trip over those tricky patches of extra chunky air when I'm walking. Physical balance has never been one of my great strengths. I don't win games of twister. But up to recently I have always been pretty good at striking what is called the "work/life" balance.

In a service occupation, you have to learn to take time for yourself. I learned early on to put on a smile when working with kids and families, do my job to the best of my ability, but always make time afterwards to recharge so I would have something to give away again the next week. When I got married to a man who also worked in a similar field, we found little ways to not only take time for ourselves but to incorporate date nights and together time to keep our communication open and our marriage strong. It seems motherhood may challenge my balancing skills as it is shaping up to be the greatest balancing act I have ever undertaken. When I'm with her, I only have thoughts of her. It seems unthinkable to me that I should be able to tackle the problems at work. But much to my eternal shame, when she and my hubby (who just broke his elbow) went to my moms for a few days so I could cover hubby's shifts at our mutual workplace without any additional worries, all I thought about was work. I missed her. I missed him. But my thoughts were how to solve work problems.

Now both are back home. Hubby cannot help with the baby because he cannot safely lift her. I have the privilege to be able to take her with me into the office.....but that is not as easy a thing as I first imagined. So, here I am, trying to give my best to my job which is really a lifestyle and a ministry, trying to find time to be with my husband in positive ways and trying to care for a baby round the clock. Lack of sleep and the ensuing diminished mental faculties make the simple things seem tougher than they really are. It makes me grouchier than I've ever been at my spouse who really doesn't deserve the tone of voice I've used on him with ever-increasing frequency.

And then there are appointments like today that I'm not even sure how to file on my overcrowded mental shelves. On one hand I could just drop it into the "good news" pile and/or the "no longer need to think about it pile" but on the other I've been instructed to file it under the "watch for this" section in the "call for help immediately if you see the following" drawer.

I am blessed beyond measure that my daughter didn't need a shunt put in immediately after her closure surgery. On the other hand, she has shown an increase in fluid that the doctor calls "mildly abnormal". He showed us the MRI pictures and as usual, I wish I never set eyes upon those medical black-and-whites. Some things that you see, you just cant un-see. And the fluid pockets must have quadrupled in size. I made a face like a guppy right there in the NS office, just open-mouthed trying to decide how to formulate "gahwhabigwhy?" into a series of coherent questions for the doctor. I think I succeeded, but his answers out of necessity were just as vague as my questions.

So its great news that there is no shunt at the moment but it all comes down to the fact that not even the doctor can predict what will happen next with ANY certainty whatsoever. We are in uncharted waters and here there be monsters. Her fluid could stay on the same curve and everything'd be fine. It could decrease and allow the plates in her skull to go back together, and we'd be awesome. It could continue to steadily increase and any number of things may or may not happen clinically that may or may not give us warning that a shunt is warranted. We go back in three weeks for another MRI and another follow-up.

I wish in all my "advanced" education I learned a psychological trick to help put all these divergent thoughts of mine into some semblance of order- to help me strike a balance between being mom, wife, employee, and medical helper-monkey but alas, they never had a chapter on this in the books I read. So, I'm on my own to muddle through. The simplest solution is to once again shove everything I can't mentally deal with at the foot of the cross, give the Lord an embarrassed smile because of the mess and just say "Here Lord! Just like you asked me to..." and walk away leaving it there. As for work, home and family life, I think they may all suffer a bit while I formulate some kind of routine. I'll try harder to keep the low growl out of my voice when I'm communicating with my husband (who really is a great guy) and I'll give it my best when I'm in the office to maintain a level of quality in my performance that I can be proud of. I'll try not to fall asleep or drool on the baby in the middle of the night while feeding her. I'll keep the house, if not clean, then at least sanitary enough to avoid a fine by the EPA. And when I fall short in one area, there will be nothing to do but try again. After all, this isn't a juggling act. Its my life. And one additional thing I must balance in is enjoyment. I can't wait for things to settle down before I enjoy living. I have to work to find a way to enjoy everything that's happening now chaos and all...or I'll wake up and find that my life just went by in some kind of uber-busy blur. And that would be the greatest tragedy. So in the midst of it all I have to find the time to experience and savor the moments that make me smile. Like taking the time to put a bow in her hair or laughing at the face she makes just before falling asleep. Or sharing a joke with my husband about something that broke and letting myself giggle about it even before we figure out how to fix it. Or spending some quiet time with God, just letting him soothe me like I soothe my baby. These moments cannot afford to be sacrificed.



The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. John 10:10