Why

I gave up caffeine once. I lasted for MONTHS without the stuff and felt pretty proud. Then one long, thirsty August day, I took a tiny little sip of an icy cold Pepsi....and after that, I wasn't without a soda in my hand for over a week. I never fully kicked the habit again. I had, ehem...fallen off the wagon so to speak with no inclination to ever climb back aboard.


Recently, I've had a relapse of another sort. I've caught myself asking a "forbidden" question for the past couple of days.  I've had it banished from my life almost a year now. For the last 10 months or so, I just haven't allowed myself to ask "why". I mean, what difference does "why" really make anyway? The answer never changes the facts, assists you in coping with reality or makes you feel better. Not really. Ultimately, it just makes you dissatisfied, forcing you to re-think on situations better left to wander the darker, quieter regions of your mind... alone where they can't bother anybody, least of all you! And, yet, this week I've gone and done it. I've fallen off the "why" wagon. And let me tell you, it was a bumpy landing.

Maybe this has been a long time coming. Maybe I will just throw a few minor fits with a possible prolonged pout included for good measure, dust myself off and climb back aboard the "get-it-done-and-don't-complain-about-it-express".  At least that's my plan.  A short layover for some whine-and-cheese then back to life. But right now, I'm feeling pretty bruised up.

As this year draws to a close I can look back and think on what has happened:
1) In January I found out the unexpected but happy surprise that I was going to be a mommy
2) In April I had the heartache of a diagnosis for my baby that I didn't understand
3) I rode the pregnancy roller-coaster of changing prognosis and fluctuating hope for months
4) In September I was literally hit head on by a drunk driver and frightened out of the few wits I had left
5) Also in September, I had a c-section and recovered (mostly. There is still a band on my tummy that has no feeling on the surface)
6) I became the mommy to the BESTEST baby ever. (the highlight of my life- not just my year)
7) In November we were laid off from our jobs
8) Because we lived where we worked we had to move (Since no one will rent to people with no income, my Mom was good enough to let us all pile in at her place for the time being)
9) Because small companies in Florida are not required to report employee quarterly earnings, we have to prove income before we can receive unemployment.  As of yet, we still have not received any paydays, although we have been continuing to claim weeks and have (i hope) submitted everything they need.
10) Up to now, I haven't been able to tell anybody that we were laid off. My boss requested that I tell people we "left for personal reasons" because she didn't want parents or kids to know the school was in a financially hard place. To save their reputation, I let mine be tarnished. Even our co-workers though we just "up and left". I am only saying something now, because, like I mentioned before, I've finally popped a cog. This post right here will probably cost me a good reference in a bad economy but I refuse to live my life in that fear of what my former employer will say or do any longer. Its one little "why do I have to do this?" that I am dropping from my life.

I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel frustrated. I feel numb. The good news is, that through all the challenges I've faced, I didn't loose anybody. We all came through in one piece.  Evangeline is healthy, happy and flourishing. Frankly she loves the fact that we are staying with her grammy. Its one more person to adore her.  We were blessed with enough finances to meet all the minimums on things and we are afloat. I feel like 2011 has been one long storm and our proverbial little boat has miraculously made it out unsunk, unharmed, and just a little shaken. I wish I knew "Why" all these things happened. I wish I knew what next year was going to bring us.  But I don't. I'll just have to redouble my efforts to stay focused on my miracles (which are abundant and amazing) while forgetting all the crud and dismissing any pointless "why"s.  I know things will get better. We all just have to keep moving forward.


 The Old Testament prophet Isaiah spoke of a day when the world would find a light in dark places. He was talking about a baby born in a manger on a Bethlehem night.  I am so thankful that He came to give me hope in my dark times.

Isaiah 9:2
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.