Mellow

Today was great! Not only am I feeling 100% improved, I got to hold and feed my baby! She is on a schedule down in NICU now and I can go during feeding times anytime I want to hold her, feed her, love on her. I swear she gets more beautiful every time I look at her!She is supposed to eat an ounce and a half every 3 hours and so far she's been keeping up with it. Soon, she won't need her IV fluids any more. When I went in this last time at 8pm, I noticed they had her wearing preemie diapers (??) and the poor thing had red marks on her chubby little leg. Mommy spoke to the nurse and we fixed that right away!!

You may be able to see the IV tube in the top of her head in some of the pics. This looks scary, but is pretty normal for babies to have to get an IV there. Babies don't tend to be able to keep an IV spot for too very long and so periodically they need a new one and the head is a good place to put one since the veins there are a decent size. Still, I will be so glad when they remove it!

Also, she has the most mellow personality.  Seriously. She hardly ever cries. And this was before she was groggy from pain meds. Even the nurses comment on how sweet she is, just relaxin and waitin for her next bottle. She has realized now that when somebody picks her up she will be fed, and she immediately starts to open and close her little mouth to show she wants the bottle. Of course, she then makes you work to actually get the nipple in her mouth, and she will fall asleep while feeding, but she is so cute and happy, keeping her beautiful blues open more and more, watching our faces as we feed her.

Bj has gone twice for me to give her the bottle when I was too exhausted to go. He is such a natural with her. When he's there, I never worry! Such a precious family I have!!!!

As for a medical update, she is still doing awesome. Her feet are still moving after surgery. Her head size is measuring well and no fluid is building up. The special bandage in still on her back and won't be removed for another day or two so I can't see how long the scar is or how its healing, but I hear from the nurses who heard from the surgery team that it looks GREAT!  The geneticist has yet to stop by but is still on her schedule so maybe he'll see her on Monday and I can follow up with anything/testing for us as parents he recommends. Everything from this point is a waiting game till we can bring our baby home. I can't believe I will have to leave her tomorrow when I'm discharged. I know I will still see her every day but it won't be as often. Hopefully, she will eventually be able to be moved out of NICU and into her own room that way I can just stay with her there.

I suppose that my only other spot of sadness on the sheer joy I have as a new mom is that my milk hasn't come in yet. They tell me that its not unusual and that most women start making milk for real on day 3 or 4.  I certainly hope so. A nurse almost walked in on me earlier when I was giving my boobs a pep talk.  Fortunately she didn't realize I was speaking to my mammary glands and I avoided an awkward moment, but still, they need to get busy already!!!  A baby as perfect as Evangeline deserves only the best I can provide, not just some synthetic formula! 

Surgery Day

Well, what a day! I regret that I have been unable to get back individually with everybody who has enquired about the surgery but time factors and my energy levels have simply not allowed me to do that. However, I will endeavor to give the info I do have here in the blog.

To begin with, today has been beyond difficult for me. My incision is larger than average owing to my wonderful doc's desire to keep the pressure off of Evangeline's back during "extraction". It is a decision I wholeheartedly agree with and a price I am more than willing to pay, but paying is what I have been doing. The incision is abt. a foot long and simply standing up is an act unto itself. I have been having issues due to low blood pressure (last reading at 94/56) and so I get really light headed, my vision narrows and without the help of an icy cold cloth, I would probably loose consciousness from a simple walk to the bathroom. I can sit up for limited periods of time and get exhausted just from my attempts to pump milk for the baby. 

I did get to go see Evangeline as they were taking her back to surgery. Bj pushed me in my wheelchair and we followed her to the holding room/ pre-op area and chatted with some of the docs and nurses who would be assisting in her surgery. We said a prayer for her as they wheeled her back.  The surgery went wonderfully according to the neurosurgeon. They were able to sew up many layers and there was plenty of skin to cover the incision without having to resort to a skin graft etc. The muscle layer was not large enough to sew together which is not unusual, but the fascia (connective tissue layer over the muscle) went together beautifully. They found only one nerve on the right side that terminated into a dead end, but there were several on the left side which explains the fact that her right leg seems stronger and her right foot reacted more to my touch. But don't count her left leg out folks!  Its nothing a little PT and determination won't fix.

At the moment she still has no hydro and the surgeon explained his plan for checking daily to ensure nothing develops and escapes our notice. Orthopedics will also be along to check her out and her urodynamics study has been ordered and will be scheduled for when she's recovered. Sometime tomorrow a geneticist will be stopping by. I have no idea what to expect from that consult but it should be interesting. A social worker also stopped by this afternoon. She will help connect Bj and I to services Evangeline must be referred to in order to receive.... like a medicaid program for kids with special needs or local early intervention services to get her PT/OT going after an evaluation. She will also help us file for SSI to see if Evangeline qualifies. Considering the fact I still haven't totally decided on who Evangeline's pediatrician is going to be, obviously I could use all the help I can get.  I am also supposed to be getting in touch with the local SB clinic, but I don't think there is a rush on that.

I am feeling a bit down as I could have breast fed her tonight. It was a wonderful surprise that the doc would let her eat so soon after going under general anesthetic. After hearing the good news, I dashed (well Bj dashed as he pushed me in my chair) from NICU (where we went to see her post-op...she looked so peaceful, just like always) back to my room to put on something button-down and breast-feeding friendly.  Regrettably, when trying to wash up, I almost blacked out again and had to sit down quickly or fall down. BJ put his foot down and insisted that I rest rather than go back downstairs to try feeding her. They only have one small bottle I have managed to pump, which makes me sad, but BJ assures me that she will snack on that and be satisfied until I feel better early tomorrow morning and can go to her at last.

It is sooooo important to me that I be able to go in the morning! I am confident that I will!! The nurse will be in soon to check my vitals and my hope is that my BP will begin a steady climb. Meantime I cannot say enough thank-yous to Bj for being there through everything today- including the removal of that tape/dressing....OUCH! I could not be as comfortable as I am without his constant assistance. Also, for anybody whose proposed visit got rescheduled today- I am sorry, I do still love you and I appreciate your patience during this somewhat overwhelming time. 

Happy Birthday!!!

Well, we arrived at the hospital very early this morning and everything with the epidural and c-section went as planned. Bj was a great support for me and held my hand any time he could. Because the surgical drape was so low, he could see the entire surgery which was a creepy thought for me, but apparently didn't bother him. She came out with one disgruntled cry and promptly peed on the nurse holding her. They didn't put her in the incubator as originally planned to push her by me so I could snap pics, it was more of a "Here's your baby!" blur near my face and then the sound of a closing NICU door. I was disappointed to say the least, but fortunately BJ nabbed plenty of pics and a video for me to ogle just a short time later while I was in recovery.

Every time he visited her he brought back more photos. It held me over till I could see her myself. I was cleared to do so sometime around 9pm!  Wow, was that awesome. :)

All in all, she is doing GREAT! I am so proud of my hark-haired princess. Her legs kick. She has good ankle movement in one direction and "not-so-good" in the other, but hey, its there! She responds when I tickle the bottom of her feet. She's going poo poo and pee pee on her own. I plan to inquire tomorrow (once I finally get a chance to speak with her surgeon) when a urodynamics study will be performed so that we have a clear picture of what is going on with that.  Of course hydrocephalus can occur either in utero or within the weeks, months or even years after closure surgery, requiring the need for a shunt. The greatest risk is within the first month or so after surgery. She had no hydro in utero and we are praying and believing that she will not need a shunt after closure, but that is a process of monitoring (and continually believing for the best!). I also hope to get with the surgeon to discuss his strategy for monitoring the fluids in her vents. There are several methods for doing this and the nurses in NICU give random answers to that question when I ask them, so I can only assume its physician specific as to protocol.

What else? I know they have taken x-rays but am not sure what, if anything, they revealed. I am sure they used the x-rays at least in part to check for hip dysplasa and I'd like to verify that there isn't anything there I need to be concerned about. I have so many questions right now and it seems as if only her surgeon has the answers. Talking to him is HIGH on my list of priorities, but I will wait till after the surgery which is scheduled for 2:15. I know that once I speak to him,  I will feel better informed so that I can verify and follow up with my daughter's care.

Lastly, I am so pleased that she is bigger than they predicted. It does me good to see the chub in her cheeks! I am a very lucky mommy to have been given so perfect a baby to love.  Not only that, but I have amazingly supportive friends and family. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your thoughts, prayers and encouraging words!! May you each be blessed!

Ready, Set, GO!!!

Well tomorrow we go back for the c-section- for SURE this time!  Honestly, I feel much better today looking at tomorrow than I did last Sunday looking towards last Monday. I think maybe Evangeline wasn't the only one who needed an extra week to prepare.  Last week, I wasn't ready to let her go yet. Strange as it sounds, she is my little belly buddy and I have grown rather used to thinking of her in those terms. I speak to my navel all the time, addressing various points of conversation to her. Last week, I could just picture myself laying in the hospital bed with a deflated belly, while my little buddy would be far away down the hall. No more belly talks. No more bumpy baby whose kicks and wiggles I can interpret in various random ways. "Oh? You'd like me to recline a bit?  We can do that!"  or "You didn't care for those olives? No?  Well, I'll just skip them next time."  Not to mention, the thought of somebody cutting the cord made me weepy. Last week some very deeply disturbed and delusional part of my brain was sort of rejecting the idea that she should leave the safety of her nest and enter the big wide world of doctors and light and air. Didn't people understand that I was the only one who could keep her safe?  9 months of preparing to meet somebody and last week all I wanted to do was hold on to what I had with her rather than be excited about where we would go, you know, once I could actually see her and touch her.

I guess the accident brought reality to me pretty clearly. Even my belly is not a perfect safe haven. But God watched out for her in the crash. He will watch out for her in the incubator too.  He will go with her to surgery and every exam. She won't be alone and neither will I. And once I let go of my bizarre idea that I should keep her longer to somehow keep her safe, it opened up the possibility for me to actually enjoy the idea of the birthing experience rather than dread it.  I think tomorrow will be a great day. I am much more relaxed and ready to "meet" her....and for the first time, I will be able to look her in the eyes when we chat. That will be a nice upgrade.

Why people shouldn't drink and drive....

My family loves me. They do a lot to look out for me and make my life easier especially in these last couple of months of pregnancy. I haven't driven myself anywhere in well over a month.  But owing to the change of c-section plans, I've been feeling down and so decided that I would use the "extra" week I'd been given for good things...like seeing friends again and visiting my favorite Japanese restaurant.  Since my hubby was going to be busy, I decided to drive myself.

I had a wonderful relaxing evening just chatting with some ladies I love about any old topic that came up. We laughed and honestly my spirits were lifted as I drove back home. It wasn't late or anything. It was about 9pm. But somebody out there had gotten an early start with her drinking. The officer later told my spouse that they saw pills in her vehicle as well and she may have been mixing her medicines with her alcohol.  Anyway, as I was driving down HWY 17, I came to the intersection at Yellow Bluff Rd. I saw a small SUV go right past the stop sign and cut across two lanes of traffic. She seemed to be headed for a crash into the trees and uncertain and surprised by what I was seeing right in front of me, I began to slow down. I dunno what happened at that point, but like a fish, she must have been attracted to the shine of my headlights because she turned and hit me head on. I was absolutely shaken. I remember wondering if there was something I missed seeing that would explain why she had done this. Even as my thoughts were racing and my hands were shaking, the woman backed up like she intended to continue with her drive. Not comprehending that she would have to go around my truck to get anywhere, she pulled forward again and hit me a second time, though this time was not very jarring. At this point, when her attempts at hitting the gas wouldn't make my truck go anywhere, she seemed to just give up. She broke out a cigarette and lit up, right there in the middle of the road. By this point I was, ehem, mildly hysterical. I wasn't sure what to do. I knew better than to leave the vehicle in case she decided to try driving again and I wasn't sure that moving my car out of the road would benefit the situation or not so I finally settled on calling 911. To hear that call replayed would probably be comical now. I knew I was on HWY 17 but at the time didn't know the name of the intersection to tell them where I was. I also wasn't explaining what happened very well. I just kept saying things like "this shouldn't have happened" and "her car is right in front of me!"  I think I may have mentioned that there was a traffic accident. At any rate, there were people on the scene to help. An out-of-town couple had been following her at a distance for several miles, watching her disregard lanes, flashing their lights and trying to get her to pull over. What they didn't know was that she was far too out of it to understand flashing lights as a signal. I mean, she couldn't even understand that my big red truck was an obstacle to be avoided.  There was also another vehicle with a man and a teenaged boy. The boy ran over and checked the intersection sign and the man took my cell phone told emergency dispatch what happened. The couple stayed with me, helping me to be calm and reminding me to turn on my emergency lights.  Since we were blocking the lane, cars were speeding around us but these brave people stayed right with me until the police and paramedics arrived.

By the time police arrived and they ascertained that 1) I was 38 weeks pregnant 2) The speed of the collision was in question 3) My ability to assess potential damage to myself was compromised and 4) My baby was precious cargo that should be evaluated, so they recommended that I go to the trauma unit at Shands to be evaluated. I asked them if I could wait on my husband. There was something so frightening about that big red vehicle with the flashing lights that they wanted me to climb inside. As a high risk pregnancy there is a love-hate-fear response to any new medical thing involving your baby. You have been through so many things, new tests that you have to ask questions about, new results that you aren't sure you want the answer to...and in my state, all I could think is "What sort of tests?" and "Will the tests hurt the baby?"  and then like a sword cuts through bone, I thought, "IS the baby Ok?" I didn't have any answers so I figured I'd better just go like they said. As I was speaking to them, my husband called and I told him what was happening and waddled slowly to the ambulance.  My belly was cramping like PMS, and I did have one contraction clinch up my side, but over all I was more dazed than anything.  They hooked me up to monitors and found that my heart was adding in a little something extra while it was beating. The man asked me if I'd had caffeine. I confessed to tea at dinner. He said that and the stress could be the cause.  Fortunately, on the way, the little extras dwindled down as I calmed down. The paramedic who rode with me was very comforting- I think he was a believer and he talked about how my baby was a gift from God and how all they wanted to do was make sure the wrapping and all was safe.

When I arrived, they did some tests, but none of them were strange or new or scary. I saw the familiar non-stress-test machine come out. Baby was quiet for a while after the accident but by the time I arrived at the hospital  she was visibly moving beneath my hospital gown.  This was a super great sign! A doctor from OB came down to do a sonogram and check the baby's heart. She also checked me for dilation/effacement. They continued to observe fetal movement and made sure that I was Ok too with some tests on me (but nothing scary!).  It was oddly quiet for a trauma unit. I was the only one there at the moment and things moved along quickly.  It was determined that from a trauma standpoint baby and I were clear. Labor may result in a situation like this, but it would be treated as labor brought on by anything else and I was told to contact my OB to let them know. I am only a little dilated and effaced so I am hoping that if I just chill, she can wait till Wed. when everybody is scheduled to be there to welcome and care for her.

My hubby and mom both arrived after I had been there not too long and just seeing their faces lifted my spirits. I did not know it at the time, but even as I was in the back of the ambulance people had begun to pray. Even as I was praying for Evangeline to move and be OK, people from the SB group on facebook had been alerted to pray. People at my mom and dad in law's church gathered to pray as well. I know that ambulance was surrounded by angels. As frightened as I was, I was being watched over by the Lord in ways I wouldn't understand till later.

A huge saving grace was the fact that the airbag did not deploy!!  That could have resulted in a trauma that would have required an emergency c-section. (At a hospital where her doctor's weren't!) Also, the fact that my vehicle was larger than hers and was very sturdy helped. When we first found out we were pregnant we considered selling the Tundra for a less expensive "family" car.  Now, I'm so glad we kept it.  It made all the difference in the collision... and hubby said Big Red is now  officially a member of the family and we will keep him till at least 500,000 miles!! So many things worked together that I can only say I lived a miracle last night. Head on collisions don't normally end so well for all the people involved.

So as I lay here today, I am extremely thankful.  And extra hopeful too.  Because now I remember that miracles do exist. And a world that has miracles is a much more hopeful and cheerful place than one where we must muddle by on our own. Events like last night really have  away of bringing that fact home.

The lady who hit me could have gone on to kill herself or somebody else. But she didn't. The precious cargo I carried safely all these months could have been broken, but she wasn't. I give God the glory for all of that!  And I hope that lady remembers next time she's having a bad day that alcohol isn't her only option to feel better. She had a miracle last night too and maybe next time instead of reaching for the bottle, she'll reach out to friends, or say a prayer to the God who spared her life.

Again, thank you to all who prayed. May you each be blessed today!

Frustrations

frus·tra·tion Noun/frəˈstrāSHən/1. The feeling of being upset or annoyed, esp. because of inability to change or achieve something.


So we went to the hospital today as planned. I was all psyched up, prayed up and determined to be braver than I felt. The amnio was a bit tougher than I remember. They only had access to one small pocket of fluid. Her umbilical cord was clogging up other places to pull from. I ended up having to get stuck three times, and all three times the needle was pulled in at angles trying to get through to the fluid. Finally we got a sample and we waited patiently. AT 11am, an hour before the scheduled surgery, they phoned to tell me her lung function levels weren't high enough.

You could have kncoked me over with a feather. At 37 weeks, 5 days, we all thought she'd be ready. The doctors are convinced she will be by next week. So convinced that we don't need to have another amnio. (Thank God!!) We go back the 7th of September to have it done. This time there IS no backing out. :)

I want to express my deepest thanks for all the prayers that went out today at noon. They were needed. Believe me, they were needed!  Now, I must go unpack all the things in the hospital bag that can't stay packed and maybe take a nap. May God bless you all!!

Romans 8:24-25 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Pre-C-section appointments/Monday Schedule

Well, I've done it. I've gone to my last appointment before baby! woooooo! Before now, I thought the trips back and forth to various physicians would never end. But apparently, for now at least, I have reprieve!

I admit, on the weekend before my birthing experience, and after consulting with my doctors again, I've had a few second thoughts. Ideas of perhaps waiting a week....you know to "give her more time". Truth be told, I've had my doubts a few times about this whole c-section business, but the bottom line is- she's in there and she's gotta come out somehow. Since science has yet to create a pain free way to extract one human being from another, I suppose I better just man up (or woman up, if you will) and simply go through with it on Monday as planned.  Its not like I won't have a solid support system in place.

The plan is prepared. The people are poised and ready.  All systems go...and all that jazz. From what I can tell, Monday will go a little something like this:

1) 8am arrive at MFM office to have amnio to check for fetal lung maturity. They must do this for any baby born before 39 weeks (even though at 37 weeks, 5days she isn't considered premature, its better safe than sorry). I am told that her fluid levels are good. They will have no problems drawing the sample.
2) By 10am-ish, they should have the results back from the amnio. If her lungs show maturity, I will go down to the first floor (where I have already pre-registered) and get admitted to the hospital.
3) They will wheel me to the maternity/NICU floor where I will wait for a bit because waiting is what people do in hospitals.
4) At some point, I will get my epidural. Getting stuck in the back with a long needle and rendered unable to move from the waist down does not equate to a happy moment in my book, but it is necessary, Perhaps, like the amnio needle, the pain will be brief and mild.
5)Assuming that there are no emergencies that take precedence, at noon they will take me to the c-section room that adjoins the NICU. I hope that while I'm laying there I get some feel good medicine in my IV. Otherwise it will be creepy to feel the pressure of what they are doing on the other side of the curtain but have nothing to do but lay there, stare at the ceiling, and try to control my heart rate. But feel good meds or not, it will all be over soon. My doctor will do the c-section procedure and I will hear my baby's voice for the first time.I will see her briefly before they take her to NICU.
6) I will be sewn back up (no staples, just disolvable stitches and some sticky tape stuff) and will be taken to a recovery room until such time as I can move my legs and feet. My prayer is that they feed me that this point. Being pregnant makes a person hungry and I can only imagine that after that long with no food and drink, I'll be jonsing for some jello and water at least. ;)
7) Theoretically during the hours I'm in recovery, the neurosurgeon will have time to go to NICU and evaluate Evangeline. When he does, he will report back to us. I suppose this visit could happen at any time and may not happen till Tuesday, but I find that scenario unlikely as the closure surgery its self will likely take place Tuesday.
8) Once I can wiggle my toes, I will be taken to the post-partum floor and assigned a room. At some point thereafter I will be taken by a nurse to NICU for a 30 minute visit.  At some other point at present yet unknown, I will also be meeting with a lactation consultant as I'll need to begin pumping right away to ensure food for the wee one.
9) Try to mentally keep up with BJ who will doubtless be strutting down the hallways, showing off his hospital security bracelet that ID's him as a dad, and taking pictures of his baby every time she sneezes or poops. I will be so happy to see him like this, but trying to keep up with his rounds will no doubt make me sleepy, which will lead to the last item on my list...
10) Sleep.

Monday promises to be a VERY busy day but one I hope I can handle if I just look at it one step at a time, ignoring all the others while I'm completing the one I'm on at the moment.  When I do the amnio, the amnio will be all I'm there for. When I get the epidural, I'll tell myself all I have to do is be still. When I'm getting the c-section, I tell myself to be quiet, that all I'm doing is listening for the sound of her breath. I hope this technique works for me. Just  existing in the moment. Either way, whether my stress reduction technique works or not, the baby will get here. And all that other stuff will happen, one way or another. By Tuesday/Wed. there should be some sort of update with pics so I can share my excitement with the world about being a mom!!