Ready, Set, GO!!!

Well tomorrow we go back for the c-section- for SURE this time!  Honestly, I feel much better today looking at tomorrow than I did last Sunday looking towards last Monday. I think maybe Evangeline wasn't the only one who needed an extra week to prepare.  Last week, I wasn't ready to let her go yet. Strange as it sounds, she is my little belly buddy and I have grown rather used to thinking of her in those terms. I speak to my navel all the time, addressing various points of conversation to her. Last week, I could just picture myself laying in the hospital bed with a deflated belly, while my little buddy would be far away down the hall. No more belly talks. No more bumpy baby whose kicks and wiggles I can interpret in various random ways. "Oh? You'd like me to recline a bit?  We can do that!"  or "You didn't care for those olives? No?  Well, I'll just skip them next time."  Not to mention, the thought of somebody cutting the cord made me weepy. Last week some very deeply disturbed and delusional part of my brain was sort of rejecting the idea that she should leave the safety of her nest and enter the big wide world of doctors and light and air. Didn't people understand that I was the only one who could keep her safe?  9 months of preparing to meet somebody and last week all I wanted to do was hold on to what I had with her rather than be excited about where we would go, you know, once I could actually see her and touch her.

I guess the accident brought reality to me pretty clearly. Even my belly is not a perfect safe haven. But God watched out for her in the crash. He will watch out for her in the incubator too.  He will go with her to surgery and every exam. She won't be alone and neither will I. And once I let go of my bizarre idea that I should keep her longer to somehow keep her safe, it opened up the possibility for me to actually enjoy the idea of the birthing experience rather than dread it.  I think tomorrow will be a great day. I am much more relaxed and ready to "meet" her....and for the first time, I will be able to look her in the eyes when we chat. That will be a nice upgrade.